A letter to my Children and a day in court (Go to German version)
Just imagine your standing in a court accused of committing a crime. The crime being a Transvestite. Today I cleaned house. Hidden under a pile of old documents I found two I thought didnít exist any more. One, is a letter to my children, written when I found out that my wife wanted a divorce. At the time I needed to write to lessen my pain. It was a cry for help, which never came. The second document is a shortened version of the actual court paper presented in the court at the day of my divorce proceedings. Rereading it today is almost as painful as it was 15 years ago. I decided to publish it here because I donít think anyone reading it today can believe that something like that could ever have happened. It reads like a criminal story, a witch-hunt out of an other century, but never divorce proceedings in a civilized country like Switzerland only a few years ago. Any comments to the context are superfluous. Except maybe the fact that neither I nor my attorney I had any prior knowledge of the contents to be presented.
Today I present both documents as a time capsule and evidence to the cruelty and sufferings one has to endure if one chooses to go this road of no return. Like one scholar said you can forgive, but one should never forget. To all of you still standing at the threshold of wanting to change your life, to those of you who have a intact family, of those confronted with the painful question to tell or not to tell your wife or spouse, I say think well before you jump. If at the time I would have had an oracle to look into the future, telling me of all the mental pain and humiliations I would have to endure, I donít know if I would have had the courage to be what Iím today.
As you can read out of the documents at the time I was ready for any compromise. I happily would have lived as a part time TV. I would have done it for my children and the prospect for them to have an intact family structure. I burned all my bridges behind me, only after I had to accept the facts, that all my attempts to save my family fell on deaf ears and where futile.
Was it the right decision? Would I have been happy with that other life, as a part time TV and would I have endured it till today, is a question nobody can answer for sure. All I know is, that today Iím happier than I ever was before. That after all the hard times life has turned and the sun is shinning bright.
Like in all my other articles I encourage your comments and suggestions.
The letter to my children is both in English and German. The court proceedings are only in German and still waiting for some good soul to translate.
In about one month, to be exact in January your mother and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary. In the past It has always been a happy day, a day to remember and recollect all the beautiful times your mother and I spent together. A day when we thought how fortunate we where to have each other and how proud we could be to have you, three beautiful children.
This week your mother informed me officially that she doesn't t want our marriage and family to continue. What your mother wants is a divorce. By now you are old enough to know what it means. Many of your friends are children of divorced parents. It is a separation. A father and a mother separate and go there own way. To you it will mean that with few exception and occasions you will be separated from your Daddy for the rest of your childhood. It means an end to our Iife as a family and for your Daddy an end to the countless happy hours he spent with you and your Mami.
Nobody knows how it will affect your future life, except that it will be a life immensely more difficult; a life where your love and loyalties will suddenly be torn, questioned and divided.
am writing you this
letter because I want you know that your Daddy never wanted this to happen,
not now or in
the future. Your father does not want a divorce. I
am writing you this letter so you may, if not now, at least at a
future date fully understand how your father
felt at a
all his dreams hopes and everything he worked for came
tumbling down and are being destroyed by the women he loved for all
these years. When the time comes, when you will ask questions, when you
will ask: ďWhy did it happen? Why did Mami and Daddy separate, why are
we children of a broken home?Ē At that
I want you
to reread this letter,
in the hope
that you will better understand what
your father cried, suffered and
hurt when it all happened.
First of all lot me tell you, that I love you with all my hart and soul. You are today the most important thing in my life, my sunshine and greatest joy. To me you are the most beautiful children in world. You are everything I ever worked for, hoped for and dreamed of and nothing, absolutely nothing will ever change that, now or in the future. I hope that what ever will be, or happen, you will always remember that I love you and that I will never loose my love for you or forget you.
Over the years I have tried to be a good father to you and to your mother a good husband. I had only one goal, to make your life a happy life. I wanted your home to be happy home and your future a happy and secure future.
I' worked very hard for many years. Trying to make a living was not easy. Most of the times I had to struggle and most of it was a fight to survive. Yet I have no complaints. It was a labor of' love.
I wanted to make a better life for all of us. I wanted you and Mami to have the best of everything. You where a constant inspiration and a reason to work for. I loved my work, but nothing was more important then you, our family and the future of our family.
Trying to be a good father, and a good husband was not always easy. I know that maybe I could have done better and I also know that on many occasions I must have failed. But above all, I always tried to do the best job possible.
Your mother beliefs, that children of divorced parents are just as happy as you are now. She believes that it is better for you if your Daddy leaves this house forever, that you will be happier and better off.
Your Daddy doesn't think so and donít ever let anybody tell you that children of divorced parents are happier children than you are now. All Children need a Daddy, but most of all they need a daddy who lives with them in the same house 24 hours a day. No matter how many times a divorced Daddy visits his children and takes them away for fun things to do, he can never replace the real Daddy who spends the time with them in the same house all the time. Even if at times his work will take him away for days weeks or even months. A real Dad will always return to resume the happy times of' the past. Most divorced Dads return only on weekends and then only for a few fleeting hours.
Again and again I hoped your Mother would change her mind. Again and again I hoped that she would say: "Let's try, let's try to make an effort lets try to save our family lets try to stay together.'' Instead your mother went to an attorney. She filed papers in court saying she wanted me out of the house and many other things I never thought your mother was capable of saying
Today I feel pain in a way, l never thought a human being could feel. It is a pain more real and more hurtful than I ever experienced before. At times I think my whole body turned inside out. I canít think, I can't do, I feel numb and totally immobilized. But my biggest pain comes when I think of you. I love you so much that I can't accept the fact that there may be a time when we won't be together day by day. I can't believe that there is a person who wants to destroy all of this, that there is a person who has so little understanding so little compassion,so little love for others, a person who thinks only of herself, of her vengeance and of getting even for pain endured.
Unfortunately while I realized how important your mother, and I where to each other, I have also started to realize that the constant pain, the new hurts experienced almost daily over the past month, continued accusations and justifications, why there cant be love, why there can't be acceptance, why there can't be and won't be forgiveness or a new beginning, have left me numb and drained of the physical and emotional strength I had a few month back. I have started to realize that love no matter how big and full can be destroyed, step by step, little by little until there is nothing left any more. All that is left is anger hurt and disappointment. Unfortunately anger breeds anger and hurt breeds new hurt.
Is this what your mother really wanted to happen? Well to be honest with you I donít think so. I feel in some way she may have thought just the opposite would happen. Maybe in her own way she thought her threats, her accusations and subsequent actions would bring our family closer together and that it will bring a brighter and better future. Only it didn't turn out that way. She somehow didn't realize that only love brings love and that threats bring threats and destruction.
I guess sooner or later your mother will tell you of the things I have done to hurt her and some of' the things she thinks justified her action and divorce. No doubt I have made mistakes. I know your mother experienced hurt and pain as well. Your father is no angel, nor is he a superman. While I always tried to do the best and have the interests of the family at heart I did also many things that where wrong and things that I shouldn't have done. Some of them where created by circumstances beyond my control others by neglect and other, because at the time I thought of myself. Most of them happened a long time ago and some a year ago. I have asked your mother to forgive. I apologized for my mistakes and hoped it may bring a new beginning for all of us.
There was a time when I had a great deal of' faith in your mother to communicate, to share thoughts and feelings. I thought of her as a warm and understanding women. Tolerant and full of compassion. It happened one evening, when I talked about hurts and how we would try to make our future better. I talked about myself, about pains I had experienced, about things I had never talked about before and which I had kept a secret since my childhood. Everything I said was of a very personal nature to be shared only with a person one has complete confidence and trust(Comment:That's when I told her about my beeing a TV)
I am sad to say that your mother has used and misused this trust, worse she has used it against me and our marriage. She has broken a sacred promise, that when two people confide there innermost feelings and thoughts, not to discuss that particular conversation with other people or use it against the person whoís confidence one has shared.
Having always thought of your mother as a kind and warm person, I thought she would say:ď yes Iím your wife, your problem is my problem, I want to help, I want to understand, I want to be with you!Ē Instead she has turned her back on me. She said: It is your problem I donít want to have anything to do with you. She wants me to understand her feelings without even attempting to understand mine. She wants me to live up to her standards and expectations. She wants me to be a person Iím not. She wants me to accept her without accepting me. She wants everything only one way, her way. She feels she is right and I am wrong and nothing will change that.
I have tried to make your mother happy. I would like to see her smiling and content. I have tried to live up to her standards and expectations, except no matter how much I try no matter what I do it never is enough, it never, is good. I have tried to be kind, I have tried to be understanding, yet I donít succeed No matter what I say it seems to be. wrong. My apologies are rejected as excuses and my pain and feelings are ridiculed.
Up to a few weeks ago I still loved your mother very much. Now I don't know anymore. Her continued and unrelenting quest to destroy our family and the thrust with which she is trying to separate me from you my children, has left me with deep wounds which will take years to heal. I have no desire to become a prisoner of her demands or to subrogate my feelings to her unrealistic expectations. Many times over I have stated that, I'm prepared to compromise, That I'm prepared to try without, preconceived conditions and demands on either side. I think you and our marriage are worth to make at least an effort to reconcile, to try to leave our past behind us and stop hurting each other. I have no illusions about the difficulties of such a task and the many problems we would face in trying to resolve our differences. But not trying will be worse We all will be losers, most of all you.
Maybe if your mother thinks some more about you and what a divorce will do to your future lives, as well as hers, I hope she may reconsider. I hope and pray that she will have the courage to do it before it will be to late and all over. If not, I hope she will give you all the love you will need to you grow from children to adults. I hope she will be able to give you the compassion, acceptance and compassion, she refused to give to me. I hope she will find peace within her hart to make the house you will live in a home of love, kindness and warmth, so you may grow to adults, having love and being able to give love and understanding to those close to you and to those in need.
As for myself I will never stop loving you, no matter what happens I will airways love and cherish you with all my hart and all my soul
With great love your
Go to: My children
day in court
At the time only in german available and waiting to be translated!